How do you solve a problem like Sarah?
Particularly when she's buggered off down to London, neglecting to leave a forwarding address?
And how do you persuade her ex-boyfriend Tim – just this once – to take 'no' for an answer?
Single To Morden is the riotous story of one man's refusal to give up on the cause of true love. It follows hapless northerner Tim Howden as he combs the capital for his runaway ex, armed only with the knowledge that she's living “somewhere near the Northern Line”. Each chapter explores a different Northern Line station and its surroundings in this tale of tortured emotions and takeaway curries, while frequent flashbacks reveal what makes Sarah such a hot tip to win What Girlfriend?'s award for "Most Unsuitable Bunk-Up... Ever."
You can be sure that Sarah will materialise, of course – but when? Will it be on day one, in Edgware? Or day forty-three, halfway across Clapham Common? Will it be in a tattoo parlour in Camden, or sheltering under Freddie Mercury's crotch on the Tottenham Court Road? And what'll happen to Tim's mental state in the meantime?
One thing's for certain – en route to conjugal bliss, Tim's going to have his fair share of London's more colourful ne'er-do-wells to contend with, not to mention a few hand-picked representatives of its lunatic fringe. In Golders Green, they'll think he's a Nazi impersonator. In Euston, they'll think he's a terrorist. And in Highgate, they’ll think he’s the reincarnated spirit of Rudolf Nureyev.
It probably won't help that Tim's being 'assisted' by best friend Jeremy – a cross between Lord Byron, Jimi Hendrix and Ben Dover. And the fact that Tim might be falling in love – with his hotel receptionist, of all people – looks set to complicate matters too.
In the end, true love does find a way, but hardly the way that Tim expects. And even the dissolute Jeremy proves he's got a heart – even if, like so many of his vital organs, it appears to be crammed into his underpants.
Part romantic comedy, part urban travelogue and part treatise on Why We Shouldn't Touch The Minibar, Single To Morden is every Londoner's quintessential commuting novel. Anyone who's visited London, lived in London or had an erotic dream about Boris Johnson will empathise with the culture shock of a small town boy forced to confront the gritty (and, all too often, sticky) realities of metropolitan life.
The rush hour will never be the same again...