I looked to the sky and there was the heart - shaped cloud so perfect, it was as if the Angels themselves had painted it. My son had answered me in the most profound, unexpected, and unbelievable way. I asked," Why do I get to live and what am I to do now?" He answered me with one sign, and that sign was love. One year later, I was in Colorado in the mountains. A voice inside told me it is time to enlighten the world the remaining signs he gave me, another heart - cloud. I knew then it was time for me to share this message to all who want to Know the Why.
It was not an act of cowardice, it was an act of bravery. How would it be different if he had left on a journey here on earth searching for his Shangri - La. He just took a different bus, and has begun a journey where, if we all believe, we will see too. Some call it heaven, some by other names. I call it transformation, a journey one day we will all take.
My grandfather died when I was fifteen and my mother when I was eleven. You don't have to put a gun to your head or heart to commit suicide, you just give up. How or why I chose to share my pain and loss was not by my hand. It was shown and brought to me in many ways through signs and a journey. I suppose it was the light inside of me my Grandmother told me I always had. I never knew it was there until the day my son took his life. I was 58 and he was 31. I felt like I died that day too.
The mystery of not knowing or knowing the why is one of the reasons I wrote this book. I was asked to write and share with the world that few of us comprehend and are never truly prepared for, the unknown. My son had given me so many amazing signs as I thought about taking my life as well. Never doubt or believe what others believe. It is your own personal journey you must take to accept and try to rationalize why the one you love dies before you do. Acceptance and delay of gratification do not happen overnight. When they do, remember it is in God's time, not ours. Grief can be confusing, and know that people out there will pretend to know and not know it. Truth is, we were never taught how to handle grief or understand it. The best thing anyone could say is, ''I am sorry for your loss.'' It will be hard and people will disappoint you. You will lose friends and make new ones. The pain is like a stone that falls in the pond. The ripples will always remain, yet they grow farther apart.
They say that sufferings are the spiritual weights that strengthen us. I have transformed religion into spirituality into the unknown. To receive a sign so amazing is an awakening. It was not the things I saw, rather the things I experienced. We are all one, all the way down to a single cell we share, this eternal love, this beauty, all from this one pure symbol of love we know as a heart. It universally speaks to all of us and represents patience and acceptance. It creates an awareness as we live our lives here on Earth. From the mountains to the sea, between Earth and the Heavens, it is all the same. Enjoy this moment and make the best. The masses have taught us we must grieve, cry, and be sad; we will understand anger and we will know what loss is. We will grow or we will die. As my son said while he lived here on Mother Earth, ''You have never really lived until you die.''